remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
