I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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