I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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