I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
