If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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