it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
