I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize