his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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