i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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