I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
