Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
