I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
