awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
