she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
