Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
