I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
