take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
