Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
