girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
