Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
