Swine flu. Run for my life!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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