I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he thought i was a dude.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
