i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
