i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
