I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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