worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
