We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
