There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
