Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just found puke in my bra..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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