Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
