My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
