i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
