i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
