We named our party play list daddy issues
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
