So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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