Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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