so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I cannot find my penis.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
