I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
