When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
