Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
