Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
