there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
it's great music for shaving your balls
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
