I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
