He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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