We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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