last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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