last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
