I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
