so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
