I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
