Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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