Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
