I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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