Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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