Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
