so that wasnt chicken after all
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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